There is folder in my inbox that holds 28 letters that I never sent. Letters of honesty and truth. Letters that expressed my true feelings. Feelings I wasn't able to communicate in spoken words. Words that explained why I was unhappy.
But they were never sent. They were left unread in a folder labeled "drafts," as if to say, "these will be revised; these feelings of sadness and confusion will be turned into feelings of happiness and contentment; this draft is just a draft, and all the 'hates' will turn to 'loves' and all the 'lies' will turn to 'truths;' just wait it out a little longer." But there is only so long that you can wait. Only so long for a draft to stay rough. Sometimes you can't revise what you wrote, and it makes more sense to just start over clean with a new page, new perspective, new attitude, and new direction on what to write, to whom, and to where it will be sent. I realize now I was spending too much energy and creativity trying to revise something that was poorly written. No matter how much I loved the individual words, they never worked well as a whole. There were incomplete and run-on sentences, paragraphs with no conclusions, and inconsistencies in style. Ultimately they didn't make me feel like I was reaching my potential as a writer or person.
But even after this realization, I still can't delete those drafts yet. At first I thought it was because I hoped some day I would be able to check for i's that weren't dotted and t's that weren't crossed and figure out why I wasn't sending the letters, but then I realized that wasn't why they stayed unsent. They were never meant to be sent in the first place. I wrote them to myself as to say "things aren't good, Kathryn." These letters were my journal, my inner self and intuition trying to say "this isn't right." These letters were me, screaming at myself to change something before I got lost in my own confusion and depression. So although some day I will be able to put these drafts in the trash and compose a new kind of letter, for now they will stay in my unsent drafts folder. They will stay there as a constant reminder of the truth that was hidden in the lies. They will stay there until the "Dear (fill-in-the-blank)" is different. They will stay there to keep me from sending new letters. They will stay there to remind me to trust my intuition. And they will stay there to keep me strong.
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I really like this entry, but wanted to share my opinion. From one draft saver to another (I may have hundreds...), I sometimes feel they should be sent. I too use drafts as a journal entry--a place where I can write freely without worry of hurting someone with my words. That being said, some drafts are meant to be sent. Some of your feelings and thoughts are meant to be heard by the person on the other end. If you've ever written a draft to me, I encourage you to send it. Even though it's really difficult, I find peace in saying what I need to say. Anyway, this might not even apply to what you've written and maybe you'll hate it. Maybe I should delete this draft? but guess what? I'm gonna POST THIS DRAFT right now for all to seeeee ha!
ReplyDeletehahaha girl, your honesty is one of my favorite things about you. for real. :) and your opinion is one that I value more than others.
ReplyDeleteI'm working on being more honest and not hiding my thoughts and feelings so much. (work in progress) but don't worry, I've never drafted you. I was vaguely referring to one person in particular.